Let it close

 

Whenever I’ve read or heard the saying, “when one door closes, another one opens,” I’ve always tried to attach a positive connotation to it to pacify the fact that my feelings were hurt. Truth is, that saying never seemed to fully apply to me. I mean, the door closing part, that’s me all day! For the fact, I have had doors slammed in my face. Literally. I can remember my kids’ dad slamming the door in my face after an argument. I walked out and as I turned to have a final word, BAM! The sound shook the thin walls of the quadraplex and I could hear doors squeaking open as the neighbors peeked out to see the source of the commotion. I felt like scum as I tried to carry my infant son and his pack-n-play down the stairs. Out of shock at the fact that he really didn’t give a shit about me or his son in that moment and then out of embarrassment, I sat my baby down in his carrier, dropped the playpen, ran up the stairs and kicked his door as hard as I could as I screamed “fuck you!”  This was an emotional as much as it was a literal door slam.  It wasn’t the first or the last.

I’ve had more than enough experiences that can be classified as the door closing in one aspect or another.  From barely passing written exams, after engaging in critical, analytical and just good conversation about some instance in history to being passed over for jobs.  I once found out that I wasn’t going to be performing with my “friends” in a school talent show, while at the store buying matching outfits for the big day.   Talk about a slammed door.  Here I had been practicing with them, not knowing that they didn’t really want me around, let alone performing. 

The door seemingly has always been closing.  After I while, I begin to anticipate the door closing; I didn’t push myself to take risks or I never saw myself as good enough.  I became apologetic and learned to hush and make myself small.  I was good enough to sing back up, but I wouldn’t dare try to be a star.  So, to hear or read that when one door closes, another one opens I just assumed that the latter didn’t apply to me.  Then one day, I had an epiphany, if the door is closing, let it close.  Let it close without guilt or shame. Let it close because it is necessary.  Let it close without an apology.  Let it close because we are worth so much more.  With every door closed or slammed in my life it intensified my discernment.  I learned to seek out new avenues and pave my own way.  I gathered strength and learned to love myself. I also learned to forgive. Most importantly, I learned to move on and this alone, is the door opening.